


i'm fucking miserable ('til you walk into the room)

by fivesecrets



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Fluff, Julian is just very soft for Kai, M/M, except when he isn't, some sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-11 04:04:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18422445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivesecrets/pseuds/fivesecrets
Summary: He tears his gaze away from the shy smile on Kai's lips as he stares at the floor because if Kai catches him staring, thenfuckthat would be the end of him - until his eyes fall on Thomas and the look on his face and Julian sends a silent, futile prayer to whoever may be listening and accepts that this will be the end of him anyway.Or, in which Julian takes four years to get his shit together.





	i'm fucking miserable ('til you walk into the room)

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Title from _Anti-Everything_ by Lost Kings.  
> 2) This was meant to be all fluffy but then the rating rose - I don't know what that says about me as a person, but if you don't like that, then this fic isn't for you  
> 3) Warning: all my characters are dumbasses and oblivious. There is maybe 1 brain cell in the whole fic, as the characters take after me, the dumbass author

**_twenty fourteen_ **

“There’s our under-sixteens,” the staff member, who’s name Julian has forgotten already, says as he points at a training pitch illuminated by floodlights.  “There’s some pretty decent talent.”

Julian nods, scanning the field of players who all seem to be doing different things.  A couple of them are kicking balls at each other’s heads and laughing, oblivious to the disapproving looks a tall man who must be the coach is firing at them, another couple are huddled together against the cold January evening, two others spraying each other with water regardless of the icy conditions.  Julian almost voices his sentiment to the tour guide before he cuts himself off as his eyes fall on a boy training alone, on the edge of the group.

Julian is a good twenty, twenty-five metres from this boy who has no idea of the new player watching him intently, but instantly he feels drawn to him, which is completely stupid.  He doesn’t even know his _name,_ let alone if he’s even a nice person or not.

“They’re an excitable bunch.” The tour guide laughs not unkindly, before leading Julian away and towards the dressing room for the first team, talking his ear off about Michael Ballack and Leverkusen’s upcoming Champions League Round of 16 match against Paris Saint Germain.  Julian tries to focus on his words, tries to allow himself to be swept away by dreams of Europe that were half the reason he chose to leave Wolfsburg and come to Leverkusen, but he can’t stop thinking about the silent boy on the training pitch that worked when no one else did.

“Yeah.” He breathes out in agreement, only realising belatedly that it’s been ten minutes since the tour guide made his comment about the _excitable bunch_ and flushes the colour of Leverkusen’s home kit.

**☆**

The plane back from Paris is silent.  Julian’s only been with them a month and it’s awkward watching the despair cut its way through his new teammates hopes like a knife, while he sits not knowing them well enough to comfort them with anything close to the tact he’d like.  He places his arm over Sonny’s shoulder and smiles down sadly at his teammate and tries to ignore the sick feeling settling in his stomach.

He’s one of the first people to leave when they land back in Leverkusen.  He waves the tiniest of goodbyes to the team and returns the hug Lars pulls him into, but then he finds himself in his car on the Autobahn, heading past the junction for his apartment and towards the training field.  He doesn’t know what to expect when he pulls up, surprised the complex is still open and, judging by the number of cars in the car park, still busy.

He considers going into the gym and releasing his frustrations out on a vicious cardio session but when he arrives, he sees the youngest youth team already there and slips away unnoticed.

His mind is shot as he stumbles down onto the training fields, throwing open the heavy metal gate clumsily and almost tripping over his own feet as his shoes touch the grass.  Sluggishness lumbers his muscles like alcohol, his head spinning slightly as he finds a ball and dribbles lazily with it, all thoughts of the loss vanishing for a split second as he jogs lightly with the ball at his feet like he’s six at the park again.

He’s shook from his trance when he collides into someone and slips, grabbing onto their jacket blindly and, judging from the extra weight that lands on his legs, pulls them down with him.

“Fucking hell!” The other person exclaims, voice rough and husky and Julian thinks he might have fallen in love with it already, “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Julian looks up, abashed, already voicing an apology and extending a hand to help his victim up when his eyes meet the other person’s, boy’s, and  _shit._

“Sorry,” Julian stammers, “I know you have a game tomorrow.  Um, are you hurt?”

The boy looks at him with almost the faintest trace of amusement as he gets up, offering a casual hand to Julian to assist him.  “Don’t worry about it.” He says and his voice is one of the most attractive things Julian has ever heard and _fuck,_ he hates that he’s so pale because he can feel his cheeks heat up with every second that the mysterious youth player smirks at him.

“S-Sorry.” He stutters and starts to back away, almost tripping over his own feet.  He’s vaguely aware that his legs are shaking.  “E-Enjoy your practice.”

“Thanks.” The other guy chuckles, “you were unlucky in Paris, by the way.”

Julian smiles awkwardly and exits the training ground, willing himself not to look back.

He succeeds until he’s back in his car and watches the boy direct a free kick into the top right corner from thirty yards like nothing ever happened.

The next day, Julian throws down his bag onto his bedroom floor after training, scrolling absent-mindedly through Twitter as he tries to block out the evisceration he received from Sami after he directed a beautiful header into his own net during a practice game.  It had been so terrible even Bernd stood there and stared at him sullenly, as Lars patted him on the shoulder as he flushed red _again._ It didn’t help when he looked over at the lonely goalposts on the far right of the complex where the boy had been hitting free kicks last night under the lights, where the light had caught on his skin and Julian’s heart had raced.

He realises he’s clicked on a link on his Twitter feed and goes to close it when it opens and suddenly there’s the boy from the night before, the faintest hit of dark highlighting under his eyes as he stands over a free kick. 

“HAVERTZ!” The commentator yells when the guy, Havertz, scores and Julian goes physically _weak at the knees._

He watches the rest of the game incessantly for Havertz, who is wearing the number nine shirt and keeps flicking his hair back and he is _beautiful_ and unbelievably talented and suddenly Julian thinks he’d play at Leverkusen forever just to play with this guy once.

He knows it’s bad already when he watches the livestream until it ends just to try and catch glimpses of Havertz’s messy hair and stupid, beautiful face.  He knows he’s in stupidly deep when he immediately heads to Google and searches _Havertz Bayer Leverkusen_ and there he is, his name is _Kai_ and it’s so cute and _he’s fourteen and shit, Julian forgot this kid is still in the under-sixteens._

He slams his laptop shut and groans into his pillow until his voice is almost gone.

* * *

_**twenty sixteen** _

Julian forces the feelings for Kai so deep into repression he forgets about his feelings for the younger boy altogether, even finds time to have a few dates with a pretty girl in between the gruelling Bundesliga and Champions League schedule.  She’s sweet, and he likes her a lot, but it’s obvious from the start they won’t last, and Julian can’t even bring himself to be disappointed when their relationship fizzles out amicably.  His secret humiliation about Kai means Julian doesn’t follow the younger’s progression through the Leverkusen youth teams beyond the general passing comments he overhears, so when he enters the dressing room for the first day of pre-season it’s jarring to see Kai sitting there awkwardly, watching Lars and Bernd throw casual insults at each other while Jonathan sings Whitney Houston very loud and very off key.

“JULE!” Bernd almost screams when the goalkeeper notices him, strangling him in a hug and talking his ear off about everything they’re going to achieve in the upcoming season.  It’s a little overwhelming, but so characteristically Bernd Julian has learnt to assume a look of intense concentration and zone out of the goalkeeper’s rambles entirely.

His eyes flicker back to Kai, who’s hands are in his hair as he bites his lip.  He looks _good_ , Julian’s brain supplies stupidly, way too pretty and way too dangerous for someone as safe as Julian.

He eventually manages to break away from Bernd and heads over to his place in the changing room, directly opposite from Kai, who is now on the receiving end of Bernd’s tirades with an air of familiarity.  Julian can’t help but feel sorry for the kid, who’s wide eyes and awkward stance belies his discomfort, and something foreign and scary tugs in Julian’s heart when Kai’s dark eyes meet his.

Lead fuses in his muscles as he walks over to the new player and their goalkeeper.

“H-Hi.  I’m Julian.  Jule, i-if you like.  Welcome to the team.” Julian feels his cheeks heat up like he’s seventeen years old again with every second Kai’s eyes are locked on his.

“Thanks.  I’m Kai.  We’ve met before, right?”

“Y-Yeah.” Julian nods, dropping their eye contact and cringing internally at the awkward silence that expands and feels like it fills the room, not just the metre of space between him, Kai, and Bernd.

“Anyway, Kai, let’s take you to meet the rest of the team.” Bernd says, dragging Kai off before Julian can even get another word in and he’s left watching the rest of the team initiate Kai like he’s their son and Julian has to look away. 

His heart pounds like he’s just run thirty laps of the field when he sees Kai during training that day, casually flicking balls past Bernd and undergoing defence-splitting runs like he’s been part of the seniors for years, not under a day.  When Kai directs a diagonal ball to Julian on the wings which subsequently prompts a cross for Javi to slot into the net, Julian’s sure he actually hears Lars gasp in surprise.

When they all commune back in the locker rooms, Kai is immediately the centre of attention and he seems so fucking comfortable to talk to even the most established members of the team, when Julian can barely talk above a whisper without flushing scarlet most of the team, and that annoys Julian so much he picks his bag up and stalks out of the room without anyone paying him a second glance.

He’s not expecting his phone to buzz with a message the moment he unlocks the door to his apartment.

_**@kaihavertz29** started following you._

_**@kaihavertz29:** good to train with you today!  that cross for hernandez was insane.  didn’t get to see you before you left and i wanted to say thank you for welcoming me :)_

Julian flops down onto his bed and tries to ignore the slightest ache in his chest when he reads Kai’s message.  It’s adorable and Julian literally _giggles_ when he sees the smiley and holy shit he’s not being himself and he needs to pull himself the fuck together because he can’t even speak to Kai Havertz without turning scarlet.

 **_@julianbrandt:_ ** _thanks but seriously you’re too good_

 **_@kaihavertz29:_ ** _sh i still have a lot to work on_

 **_@kaihavertz29:_ ** _anyway i hate instagram dm_

 **_@kaihavertz29:_ ** _text me 4920-5103-920_

It’s not until he’s texted Kai for so long his phone battery has almost run out that the simplicity and coolness of Kai’s method of getting his phone number. 

 **Julian:** smooth fucker

 **Kai:** i thought you had to go?

 **Julian:** i do, but i just realised how smooth you were at getting my number

 **Kai:** tried and tested methods

 **Julian:** are you trying to flirt with me, havertz?

 **Kai:** you wish

 **Kai:** anyway my dinner’s ready

 **Kai:** see you at training!

**☆**

In hindsight, Julian should have realised his crush on Kai way sooner than he actually did.   The stupid giddy feelings in his chest and stomach whenever Kai’s around, the huge smile that breaks out onto his face automatically whenever he manages to make Kai laugh (which is a lot, and terrible because Kai’s laugh is fucking adorable), and the blushes that condemn him to a week’s teasing from the entire team whenever Kai gets a little too close.

Leverkusen don’t get off to the best of starts in the Bundesliga, and they draw their opening Champions League group game against CSKA, but Kai’s there and suddenly every day is more fun with their growing friendship.  Kai has taken to jumping on Julian in celebrations and in return, Julian annoys him on the bench when it’s cold and the two of them are sitting alone.

It’s not until Julian leaves Kai to go and play in the National Team that he realises he really, really loves having the younger around.

He’s got a bit of a reputation for being quiet in the vicinity of the boisterous personalities within the German National Team, which serves him well until Thomas decides he wants to interrogate the only person quieter than Jonas Hector (who, notably, has come out of his shell since Toni Kroos befriended him, and Julian has heard speculation more than once from other members of the team) and suddenly the whole team is on top of him, hanging onto Bernd’s every word as he unearths all Julian’s embarrassing secrets.

It’s on the night before they play Norway that Bernd stands up in the common room and even manages to stop Marco Reus’ constant text conversations with Mario Götze for half an hour when he begins his spiel of _The Adventures of Julian Brandt._ It’s terrible, and ridiculously hyperbolic (Julian doesn’t know where the fuck Bernd got the story of him singing on a rooftop in only his underwear from, but it sure as hell never happened), and Julian cringes when he sees a shit-eating grin appear on Bernd’s face as he relishes the attention.  The only person not paying full attention is Marc-Andre, which is pretty much par for the course with those two, who eventually grows tired of having no one listen to his whining.

“So why doesn’t he talk?” Thomas asks when Bernd pauses.

“He’s intimidated,” Bernd says, a fake-concerned tone eliciting equally fake-sympathetic giggles from the team, “he’s like Jonas, but not actually an angel.”  The mention of Jonas allows for a brief moment of respite from the continuous humiliation, as Thomas leads what’s pretty much three-quarters of the squad in melodramatic bowing directed at their left back, but then Bernd recollects his audience and continues with a slight wink at Julian, “although maybe he wishes he was with someone else.  A little sweetheart, perhaps.”

It’s direct, and not too far from the truth, and fuck, Julian’s tendency to blush is going to be the fucking end of him.

Thomas gasps in shock and Basti clutches at his heart dramatically, “Jule, how could you rather be with someone else than us?  Our never-ending entertainment is incredible!”

 _‘Incredibly annoying,’_ Julian thinks bluntly, but he only blushes harder and ducks his head.

“A little sweetheart?!” Marco yells, “does Brandt have a girlfriend in Leverkusen?” Julian can literally see the team instantly cling on to Marco's suggestion like a life raft. “Karim! Jonathan! Get up and join Bernd and tell us everything you know and don’t think about leaving this room until you do!”

Jonathan is forcefully shoved from where he’s sprawled out next to Max, while Karim looks like he couldn’t give less of a shit about the topic of conversation but obliges anyway.  The three of them look like a pop group about to serenade Julian at the direction of the rest of the team, but Jonathan catches Julian’s eye and winks slightly and suddenly Julian feels a strange sense of dread.

“How much do you know about Brandt’s girlfriend?” Toni asks.

When Karim begins a defence of Julian that incorporates not knowing anything about any alleged relationship, Julian turns to a smirking Joshua and asks him if interrogation is a normal occurrence in the German National Team.  When Joshua nods assent, Julian can’t stop himself from wondering how Kai would respond to the questioning, and whether or not he had a girlfriend Julian was unaware about.  His Instagram didn’t show anyone, aside from a couple of girls Kai has mentioned as schoolfriends, but Julian knows showing off girlfriends may not be the wisest approach.

Jonathan and Karim are doing a good job at protecting Julian from the curiosities of the team, expertly fending off Marco’s impressively worded question that he admits was his downfall when denying his feelings for Mario.  They let nothing slip causing the team to turn to Julian, visibly disheartened, and Julian braces himself for the incomprehensible chatter beginning to be directed at him when Jogi walks in and announces that they are all to head to bed immediately, because they have a game tomorrow and he will not have his team humiliate themselves against Norway.  Naturally, this announcement means the team don’t actually leave the common room for another ten minutes, because Thomas exists just to piss off the authorities while still managing to make everyone adore him anyway.

Julian’s eyes fix on the flickering green security light on the ceiling as no matter how hard he tries, how desperately he craves sleep, his eyelids refuse to get heavy.  In the other bed, Bernd is muttering some curses about Marc-Andre in his sleep, which isn’t helping Julian’s predicament.

Every time he closes his eyes, he’s haunted by a flash of beautiful brown eyes and untamed hair.

His heart thumps wildly in his chest as he thinks of Kai, somewhere in Leverkusen, probably fast asleep, with his effortless attractiveness and smirk that drives Julian fucking insane.  And it’s there, in that too-hot hotel room in Berlin that he realises he’s not straight and it has everything to do with Kai Havertz.

Admitting it to himself does not bring a grandiose sense of relief, none of the famed freedom from the continuous lying to himself he’s done ever since he first spoke to Kai on the Leverkusen training ground two and a half years ago.  It’s simply terrifying and Julian can’t stop the tiniest tear slip down his cheeks because he knows what the reaction would be if he said something to the wrong person; is scared of what those he loves might think, but he doesn’t want to lie to Kai.

The next night, after they’ve battered Norway 3-0 and Kai texted Julian with all his live reactions to the game (complete with the appropriate keyboard smashes when Julian came on that makes Julian’s heart twist painfully), Julian finds himself sandwiched between Manu and Marc-Andre, passing a bottle of vodka around and listening to Toni Kroos drunkenly confess his love to Jonas and watching the left back try to conceal how obviously delighted he is. 

“Julian!  Brandt, that is, fuck off Draxler.” Someone yells.  “I know we established last night you don’t have a girlfriend, but is there anyone you’re into?”

“When did this become a game of truth or dare?” Julian shoots back.

“Why so defensive?” A different voice, undeniably Marco’s, says, “have you got something to hide?”

“Fuck off.” Julian opens Instagram with an air of nonchalance designed to deter the team from their questioning and go back to teasing Joshua for his blatant and reciprocated crush on Draxler, but then his feed refreshes and right there, at the top, is a picture of Kai and a girl, smiling.

Julian’s heart must skip a beat because it feels like it’s beating painfully out of time as he scrolls down to the caption, a simple red heart, and that’s all the confirmation he needs.  Kai, who he’s just accepted he’s already ridiculously in love with, has a girlfriend, which means he’s probably straight.

 _‘Even if he wasn’t, why the fuck would he go for you?’_ Julian’s brain supplies unhelpfully.  He gets up, legs shaking, brushing off the comments of concern about his face turning white, and just about makes it back to his hotel room before he throws up.

(A few hours later, unbeknownst to a sleeping Julian, Kai Havertz lies awake in Leverkusen, regretting the post and not being able to stop himself from thinking of _fucking Julian Brandt._ )

**☆**

**Kai:** jule??

 **Kai:** jule are you okay??

 **Kai:** bernd texted me saying you’d been really sick

 **Kai:** none of the other bayer players are answering my texts

 **Kai:** i’m tempted to dm müller or reus or someone to get them to check on you

 **Kai:** not that i actually would

 **Kai:** but like i’m so worried

 **Kai:** please please please be okay

 **Kai:** or if you’re not come back to leverkusen

 **Kai:** i miss you

The buzzing accentuates Julian’s migraine when he turns his phone on blearily the next morning.  Bernd is already awake, Julian can hear him murmuring on the balcony, but he’s having a conversation with someone who sounds suspiciously like _Marc-Andre._ The thought forces his eyes open, squinting against the harsh morning light and the insanity of the spectacle unfurling in front of him.

Bernd and Marc-Andre, publicly sworn enemies, kissing on Bernd and Julian’s hotel balcony.

Without thinking, Julian opens his phone camera, snaps a photo and sends it to Kai, before the side-effects of whatever medication he vaguely remembers Bernd shoving down his throat the night before kicks in and he drifts back off to sleep, unaware of the three dots of a pending text from Kai on his phone screen.

When he wakes an hour later, Marc-Andre has gone and Bernd is lying on his bed innocently, smirking at Julian as he groans and clutches his head. 

“Someone went a little too hard last night.”

Julian flips him off, too tired and pained to speak.

His phone buzzes from the nightstand and when he reaches for it (almost knocking off the glass of water and pills Bernd must have laid out for him), he discovers several texts and even three missed calls from Kai.

 **Kai:** jule what the fuck is this???

 **Kai:** is that??? bernd and MARC-ANDRE??? kissing????

 **Kai:** what the fuck i thought they hated each other

 **Kai:** bernd says you’re still asleep does he not know you know

 **Kai:** call me as soon as you wake up

 **Kai:** hope you’re okay x

Murmuring gratitude in Bernd’s direction, Jule takes the medication and downs the water, calling Kai without thinking and being completely unprepared for the shrill scream his friend lets out when he picks up.

“Shut the fuck up Kai, I’m hungover.”

“Sorry.” Julian can hear the apology in Kai’s voice, before immediately the notification of a FaceTime request comes through.  Julian accepts without thinking but then he sees himself, all tussled hair and blotchy face, and cringes.  “Jesus Christ Jule, you look like shit.”

“Thanks, Kai.”

Kai just smiles at him and there’s that fucking fizzy feeling again and Julian can’t stay mad at him for more than about five seconds when Kai turns him into a nervous wreck with just a glance.  It’s the little things he does; when his hand trails in his hair for a fraction of a second too long and causes a stray curl to fall over his forehead, the face he pulls when he’s tired after training but doesn’t want anyone to know about it, the cute mumble when he’s slightly less than sober.  It isn’t until Kai yells for Bernd that Julian realises his friend is looking at him with an unreadable expression and _fuck¸_ Julian’s been caught staring again.

“What is it, Havertz?” The goalkeeper appears at Julian’s side and Julian instantly sees the barely-concealed devilish smirk on Kai’s face through the phone screen.

“Is there something you’re not telling us?” Kai asks innocently.

“There’s a lot I don’t tell you because you’re a _child_ , Havertz.  Now is there a reason for this conversation, or are you just ringing to annoy me and make Julian’s whining about missing you all the more unbearable?” Bernd says and Julian flushes scarlet.

“I don’t!” He protests weakly, but he can see the delight on Kai’s face and if these little shits aren’t going to make his life a living hell when he arrives back in Leverkusen on Saturday.

“You miss me, Jule!” Kai exclaims and Julian isn’t sure if he’s delighted or condescending, or some ridiculous mix of both.  “Thank you for that _riveting_ information, Leno, I will make sure to have fun with that.  But no, there is a further reason for my communication.  I hear you have a boyfriend.”

Kai’s never been evasive and at that moment Julian loves it because he’s never seen Bernd caught off guard and blush like the goalkeeper is at that moment.  Kai’s pulling a face through the camera and that’s it, Julian has to laugh, ignores the throbbing emanating from the impossible centre of his head and enjoys the sight of Bernd struggling against Kai’s easy accusation.

“I also hear he’s a particular _rival_ of yours.”

“How the fuck do you know?” Bernd snaps, and that’s it, that’s the confirmation Julian needs that what he saw wasn’t a hungover hallucination.  Kai laughs in delight as Bernd grumbles, cursing the two of them to high heaven when his phone buzzes with a text and Julian can see the screenshot of his own message chat with the younger man.  “Figures.  You two are such a fucking couple.”

_Except we’re not.  Because he has a girlfriend, and even if he didn’t, I don’t even know if he likes boys._

Kai isn’t looking at him and suddenly the easy, joking tension has vanished and it’s awkward, because Julian just knows Bernd knows, knew, more than he does and it stings harder than he wants it to.

“I think I should leave you.” Bernd mutters and just like that, he’s gone, leaving Julian and Kai and a huge elephant in the room.  When Kai barely smirks at Julian’s choice comment about Bernd’s destination, Julian cracks and asks him.

“You have a girlfriend?”

Kai nods.

“For how long?”

“A couple months.  I was going to tell you but then I realised I---, I mean, I never found the right moment.”

It’s a cop-out answer, but even through the slightly fuzzy video chat, Julian can see the walls forming behind Kai’s eyes and accepts what the younger said at face value.

(He tries to ignore the tugging feeling of want and desire tempting him into thinking the impossible.)

“What’s her name?”

“Sophie.  We’re schoolfriends, and I liked her, and we just grew together.”

“I’m happy for you.  She looks great.”

“She’s sound, but she’s not---, she’s wonderful.” Kai smiles, a little forced, “I’m lucky to have her.”

Julian nods, tries to act like his heart isn’t shattering in his chest at the dreamy look in Kai’s eyes, dreads the little spark of mischief in them when Kai turns the attention to him.

“What about you, Jule?  Any girl in your life?”

_‘No.  Just a guy.’_

Julian shakes his head, feels the confession on the tip of his tongue, but then Kai’s distracted by someone barrelling into his room and he’s hanging up and Julian’s alone with everything he wanted to say left unsaid.

* * *

_**twenty eighteen** _

Julian hides it.  He hides it when goes out on hundreds of dates with hundreds of girls but deep down he knows he’ll never make anything with any of them when Kai’s still occupying his space, both mentally and increasingly physically, too.  He hides it when his best friend curls up next to him exhausted, on one of their movie marathon nights, feels Kai’s warm breath on his neck as he giggles at a text from Sophie while Julian stiffens and hopes Kai can’t feel his heart racing.  He hides it when he realises, after one too many failed dates, that he doesn't want to be with a woman at all.  He hides it all in training, he hides it in the national team, he hides it until he’s hidden his whole self and he’s a shadow of who he used to be.

The worst part of all is Kai notices.

It starts with slightly more frequent texts.  They always were avid texters, sending each other shitty memes and stupid jokes at all times of the day, but then suddenly the tone gets serious as Kai checks up on him and with every concerned _are you okay?_ Julian finds it harder and harder to hide.  Then Kai starts inviting himself back to Julian almost every night after training, eating together and chatting until way too late.  Julian hears Kai’s phone buzz every night and his heart hurts because Kai is neglecting Sophie for him, and no matter his feelings, Julian never wants to compromise his best friend’s happiness.

Kai dodges the subject every time Julian brings it up until one night he appears at midnight, soaked and shivering, and collapses onto Julian’s sofa silently.  Water drips from his hair and messes it in the way Julian knows Kai hates, but when his friend stares at the ceiling blankly, not caring about his hair or the chance he’ll catch an illness, Julian finds himself stroking it back into place, if only to make his best friend _look_ at him.

“She broke it off with me.”

Julian hates the leap in his heart.

“I’m sorry.” It feels so bland, so wrong, not enough to cover what Julian feels about the emotions that are written on Kai’s face.  He’s almost nineteen now, and somehow even more beautiful.

“She yelled that I wasn’t paying her enough attention because I was always here.  She’s not wrong, and I tried to make it up to her, because you needed me and I thought she understood,” Kai sobs, breathing shaky as he tries to compose himself, “but then she told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore and it _hurts_ , Jule.  Stop it hurting.  Please.”

Kai looks so young and helpless and Julian feels sick at how much he’s in love with him and how that has unintentionally caused Kai’s world to crumble – the one thing Julian promised himself he’d try to prevent from ever happening.

“You didn’t need to look after me.  You can devote all the time you have to her.  Go and get her back.” Julian says, but Kai just shakes his head sadly.

“I think she’s found someone new.”

The helpless acceptance in Kai’s tone grounds Julian and suddenly he feels a ravine of distance between them, his pitiful crush nothing compared to the seeming magnitude of Kai’s first broken heart.

“I’m sorry--,” Julian begins, completely unexpecting of the desperation in Kai’s voice when he cuts him off,

“No, Jule, don’t you even think of blaming yourself, okay?  I know you and I know you’ll think it’s your fault Sophie and I split but it’s not.  You needed me and although I still don’t know why, I chose to be there for you regardless.  It was my choice to spend all that time here.”

Julian knows there’s a lot of truth to Kai’s words, but his brain isn’t working what with the way Kai is staring at him with something indecipherable in his gaze that makes the blood fizz in Julian’s veins and his heart skip a beat.

He says it without thinking: “I think you should know that I’m into men.” His words hang heavy between them, the weight of Julian’s confession settling into the air and Julian’s mind works overdrive with doubt until Kai smiles slowly and replies,

“Okay.  Who knows?”

“Just you and my family.”

Kai’s smile widens and Julian finds himself pulled into a hug, disregarding the damp of Kai’s jacket as he loses himself in the familiarity of his best friend’s warmth and scent.  Kai tucks his head into Julian’s shoulder, and he should be embarrassed at the way he shudders when he feels Kai’s breath ripple across his ear as he whispers,

“You should know that I like both.”

Just like that, Kai’s away from him and asking if he can stay the night as the rain thunders down outside, and Julian’s leading him into the guest room where he’s stayed a hundred nights before but as he closes the door on his best friend, he almost gives in to the desire to re-enter the room and climb in next to him.

(He doesn’t know Kai wants the same thing.)

Julian barely sleeps that night, not until the grey light of dawn streaks through the curtains, not when he can’t stop thinking of Kai’s breath on his neck and the words he’d whispered.  When he finally drifts off, he dreams of Kai, hot and sweaty as he works on Julian, and Julian wakes with the most painful morning erection he’s had since he was sixteen.  It’s humiliating and he flushes hot when he hears Kai clattering around the kitchen, probably trying to prepare breakfast and if he is, it’s sickeningly domestic and Julian wants to have it every day of his life.

Kai is wearing nothing but a slightly too small pair of sweatpants that Julian recognises as his own (and fuck if that doesn’t turn him on, seeing the way they’re slung low over his best friend’s hips), turning to greet Julian with a large smile and offers a plate of food.  His best friend slumps down into the chair next to him and it’s like nothing has changed between them, Kai looking far too happy for someone who got dumped the night before, and Julian even dares to hope that it might be down to him.

They’re halfway through their plates when Kai speaks,

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You don’t even know what I’m thanking you for, you dickhead.  Thank you for looking after me, and you know, thanks for telling me.”

When Kai smiles at him, Julian can’t do anything but curse internally because _he is so screwed._

**☆**

Kai is with him when he gets the call from Löw, chewing his lip anxiously (a habit Julian hates, because the fucker is practically inviting him to stare at his lips) while Julian listens to the head coach drone on about etiquette before eventually stating that Julian’s been selected for the World Cup squad in such a matter-of-fact tone Julian’s not convinced his ears are working.  But then he hangs up and looks at the hope in Kai’s eyes and when he nods, he isn’t ready for the way his best friend (and crush, the problem that seems to be growing stronger every fucking day) throws his arms around him and definitely isn’t ready for how floored he feels when Kai pulls back, actually _crying._

“Thank fuck,” the younger one says, “you deserve this, Jule.”

Julian smiles.  He can’t help but wish Kai was just a little older so he could’ve proved himself and gone with him to Russia, but he knows it wouldn’t happen.  He just hopes the two of them are there in Wembley, and in Qatar.  But for now, he’s resigned to making the secret love of his life as proud as he can.

Kai comes to the pre-tournament friendlies and cheers louder than everyone else whenever Julian touches the ball.  He steals a glance at his best friend whenever he can, ignores the sinking feeling he gets when he looks at Marc-Andre and Ron-Robert on the bench and wishes Bernd was there.  He’d hated the goalkeeper’s constant teasing about his crush whenever Kai was out of earshot, but he’d give anything to have Bernd there in Russia.  He’d earned it, and he’s leaving Leverkusen for Arsenal, and suddenly Julian realises how _alone_ he is going to be.

“You can call me.  At any time.  I’ll wake up just to speak to you.”

Kai’s promise hits Julian hard.  The earnest look in his best friend’s eyes on the night before Julian leaves Leverkusen, suitcase packed and upright by his wall, and a best friend sprawled out next to him.

“Thank you.  That means a lot to me.”

Kai _glows_ and fuck if Julian wasn’t already in love with him, he’d be falling faster than he’d ever thought possible now.  But then his best friend is moving away from him and towards the oddly-shaped discarded backpack on the floor, opening it and pulling out what looks like a keyboard.

Julian sits up as his best friend assembles it with ease, testing the keys out before smiling up at Julian.  He looks _shy_ and suddenly it hits Julian what Kai is about to do, and his heart starts racing and he wants nothing more than to kiss him.

“I learned this in the hope you’d make the team, so I could play you it and show you just how proud I am of you for being selected.”

The unexpected lump in Julian’s throat makes it impossible to speak, so he just nods and smiles at Kai as brightly as he can, heart throbbing painfully in his chest as his best friend presses down on the opening chords of _See You Again._ They’d watched _Fast and Furious_ a couple of years back, singing along to the song badly and Kai had sleepily promised to learn it on the piano, with such a laziness Julian had practically forgotten about it.  But here they were, on the eve of Julian’s departure to Russia, with Kai _serenading_ him.

When Kai starts singing, the lump in Julian’s throat gets impossibly thicker.  They’d been awful when they’d watched the film, but this, Kai’s voice, Julian’s mind is shot as he listens to his best friend hit every note.  Kai plays beautifully, the moonlight seeping through the window illuminating him and Julian thinks he couldn’t love him more if he tried– that is, until Kai finishes the song and blushes and Julian Brandt is royally fucked.

When Kai leaves him that night, insisting Julian needs an early night (which to be fair, he does, he just doesn’t mind staying up all night so long as it’s with Kai), they stand in the doorway of Julian’s flat, the lights from the city below floating up to greet them.  Kai pulls him wordlessly into a hug and stays there for one, two, three minutes, Kai rubbing his back gently before starting to whisper,

“I’ll miss you, but I’ll be watching every game.  Get the fifth star and then I’ll take you out and we’ll celebrate like teenagers should.”

“I need to take you out for your birthday.  That reminds me,” Julian pulls away and tries not to shiver at the goose-bumps that hit his skin from Kai’s sudden absence as he grabs a bag from where it’s resting by the door, “happy early birthday, Kai.”

“Do you want me to open this now?” Kai asks, hands already fingering the handles of the bag.  He opens it the moment Julian nods assent, smiles when he pulls out the hoodie he’d been wanting for a while now.

“Thank you, Jule.” Kai says and then they’re hugging again, because Julian knows Kai has to leave and he really, really doesn’t want to go to Russia without him.

He doesn’t think he imagines Kai’s lips on his cheek as they pull apart.

“Bye, Jule.  Good luck.” Kai whispers, and then he’s gone.

Julian tries not to rush to the window, to try and spot his best friend walking away from his block of flats.  He does anyway, and his eyes fall on Kai instantaneously and watch him until his best friend is long gone.

**☆**

**Julian:** happy birthday! x

 **Julian:** have the best day

 **Julian:** i miss you

 **Kai:** THANK YOUUU

 **Kai:** i miss you too but I’M SO PROUD OF YOU

 **Kai:** how are you guys looking in training?

 **Julian:** i think we look okay?  sami seems tired but everyone else seems on form

 **Julian:** marco is so excited but i think he really misses mario

 **Kai:** sigh those two… the shirt holding at the 2014 final made me cry

 **Kai:** like i want someone who loves me that much

 **Julian:** you could get that easily

 **Kai:** maybe but i wouldn’t want just anyone

 **Kai:** someone special to me

 **Julian:** has kai got a crush ;)

 **Kai:** fuck off

 **Kai:** i haven’t been broken up with sophie that long

 **Julian:** doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush

 **Julian:** who is it

 **Kai:** it’s just a TINY thing honestly jule

 **Kai:** if i’m planning on asking them out i’ll tell you

 **Kai:** but until then it’s a secret

 **Julian:** come on kai

 **Kai:** no

 **Julian:** i hate you

 **Kai:** you love me

 **Julian:** i have to go jogi wants a tactics meeting

 **Kai:** okay :(

 **Kai:** speak soon!

 **Julian:** i’ll try and make you proud

 **Kai:** you’ve already done that

 **Kai:** one million times over

**☆**

The moment Lozano slips in behind the defence, Julian’s feelings about Germany’s World Cup campaign turn sour.  The team isn’t playing with the fluidity they’re renowned for, Sami looks exhausted already, Jonas missing out through illness, the disconnect stark, obvious and worrying.

Jogi yells at them the length of Moscow to get their shit together and snatch the win back from the Mexicans.  When he pulls Julian off the bench, telling him to play Marco through and get them onto the scoresheet, Julian finds the briefest of moments to think of Kai watching at home and suddenly he feels fire in his veins.

They don’t manage it.  The Mexican fans are screaming on one side of the pitch, the other has the Germany fans, stunned into silence.  They haven’t lost their opening group game at the World Cup for years and suddenly they find themselves already fighting to get through.

When he finally switches his phone on, secluded in a quiet corner of the bus, he’s overwhelmed by the sheer number of texts he’s received from Kai, from quiet reassurance to capitalised screaming to condolences and support and he’s just so wonderful and Julian feels his absence deep in his heart.

It goes from bad to worse.  In a way, Toni’s last-minute winner against Sweden only amplified their pain in the long run, because when Manu tries everything against South Korea and they end up losing 2-0, the shock of losing ripples through the team and he’s sure it’s shaken the whole of Germany.  They’ve never been knocked out in the group stage before and Julian played every match and he can’t stop himself from blaming his efforts.  He could’ve done better, ran faster, swiped the ball away from the Koreans before Manu had to try and do it himself.  Across the dressing room, Marco is crying silently.  Julian’s heart breaks for him the most.

He feels like he’s being publicly humiliated when they land back in Germany, sees their faces splashed across the covers of all the gossip magazines, being branded ‘useless’ and ‘embarrassments,’ listening to the way everyone’s talking about France, Spain, even fucking England is thrashing Panama 6-1. 

Julian shuts the door to his flat behind him and finally, finally breaks down.

He rings Kai in his messy state and within minutes his best friend appears in his flat, sitting Julian down on the sofa and pulling out a bottle of vodka that Julian downs almost all of it without thinking.

“Easy,” Kai murmurs, “don’t make yourself sick, Jule.”

“I don’t care.” Julian sobs.

“I do.” Kai’s voice is painfully gentle.

“Yell at me, Kai, do it, I let the country down, I let _you_ down.”

Kai sighs at him and that’s enough to make Julian look up, up at Kai who is gazing at him with the dark eyes Julian loves so much and he’s an absolute fucking mess.

“You didn’t let me down.  You’re drunk and it’s late.” Kai says, lifting Julian off and carrying him towards his bedroom.  He places him down on the bed, helps Julian out of his jeans and sweater and pulls out his phone.  “Get some sleep.  We’re flying to Mallorca the day after tomorrow.”

Julian wants to protest, to ask Kai what the fuck is going on, but the alcohol is starting to affect his head and suddenly the room starts spinning slowly and all he can see is Kai, who is still looking at him with those goddamn eyes and his perfect smile and Julian can’t do anything but croak out,

“Stay.”

“I’ll be in the other room.”

“Here.”

Kai looks anxious and for one terrible moment Julian is convinced he’ll refuse and go to the other room, or even worse, home, when Kai gets up, but all he does is close the curtains and takes off his jacket and jeans and curls up next to Julian.  He’s warm, and within minutes is breathing steadily.  Julian leans over and brushes a stray piece of hair out of Kai’s eyes before placing a messy kiss on his forehead and falling asleep right next to his best friend.

(Kai stirs at the kiss.)

**☆**

The moment Julian feels the hot Majorcan sun on his back he feels some of the pent-up tension leave his shoulders.  Kai is next to him, sunglasses covering most of his face, his suitcase rolling across the marble floor of the hotel lobby.  They check in and Julian discovers Kai has booked a whole suite for them, meaning they once they get into their room, they have their own bedrooms, a communal area, a kitchenette and a balcony that spans the whole length of the suite.

“How much did this cost you?”

“Never mind about that,” Kai blushes, “look at that ocean.”

The sea is so blue it looks unreal, as he follows Kai onto the balcony, looking at the cove.  It’s beautiful and Kai did all of this just to cheer him up.

“Thank you.” He hears himself say.

“Anything for you.” Kai says, so quietly Julian’s not sure if he heard him right.  His best friend clears his throat and enters his bedroom from the balcony, calling to Julian to be ready to go swimming in five minutes.

Kai is shirtless when Julian meets him at the pool, all toned and tan skin and Julian dives into the pool without speaking to rid his mind of the thoughts.  Kai jumps in after him and emerges dripping wet and smirking, ridiculously attractive and Julian wishes he had the confidence to bring Kai over and make out with him, public be damned.

Eventually they make it out of the pool and to the ocean and Julian definitely doesn’t squeal at the feeling of the water around his ankles.  He opts for sunbathing on the shore and watching Kai, trying not to watch the way the droplets of water cling to his skin and the way the sunlight catches on him.  But he does, he can’t take his eyes off his best friend, and he knows he’s crossing lines and doesn’t know if Kai wants him to stop, but he just can’t bring it up to him.  Kai has done so much, and he can’t risk it, he decides, not when Kai exits the water and tells him there’s a party later that night in the hotel’s own nightclub, and that they’re definitely going.

When they meet later, Kai looks so good Julian instantly downs three shots the moment they arrive at the club to try and get the thought out of his head.  The club is crowded and extremely loud and Julian knows he could find someone to get off with if he wanted, but then he notices Kai seeking him out with a drink in either hand and he pledges that he won’t dance with anyone but Kai.

After they’ve finished their drinks, Kai drags him onto the dancefloor, crushed close against the throngs of people surrounding them as Kai starts dancing.  He’s hot and sweaty and absolutely beautiful when the alcohol hits him and he’s flushed.  Julian takes another couple of shots when Kai takes his shirt off to curb the urge to touch him.

He’s drunk as hell and this is it, this is what he needed to get over the heartbreak of Russia and Kai deserves the world for thinking of it and planning it all for him.  His best friend heads over to the bar and downs a couple of shots before placing the tiniest of kisses on his cheek (the spot _burns_ ) and rushing back onto the dancefloor.

Julian’s eyes follow him automatically and he wishes to God they didn’t.

A tall, willowy girl approaches Kai and Julian watches them exchange a few yelled words of English before they start dancing together.  The song blasting through the speakers is sensuous and Julian can see the girl trying it on with his best friend, his crush, but the worst part is he can see Kai is revelling in the female attention.  Julian feels like such a cunt.  Kai’s allowed to have flings. 

Julian downs another drink, so alcoholic it’s probably toxic, for Dutch courage and heads over to the other side of the dancefloor, losing himself in the music in some secluded area of the club.  He doesn’t reciprocate to the couple of girls and one guy that attempt to hit on him, looking aloof enough for them to lose interest before something turns tragic.  He only stops dancing to head to the bar a couple more times, having completely lost track of Kai, only stopping when the club swims around him.

He stumbles outside around three in the morning, almost tripping over thin air when his feet hit the gravel path leading back towards the hotel.  The sea glistens in the moonlight below, some crazy people shrieking with laughter from where they’ve seemingly gone for a swim, and it’s hot despite the time of night and Julian half-wishes he could stay here forever.

He half-expects to hear moans coming from Kai’s room when he arrives back in their suite, but it’s quiet despite his door being closed, the kind of eerie silence that lends itself to desertion rather than silent sex or sleeping.  Julian ambles towards his room and just about manages to pull his jeans and shirt off before falling asleep the moment his head hits the pillow.

He’s awoken by the strong glare of the Majorcan sun and a throbbing headache.  They’re only staying for two nights, so this is their only full day, and that thought is enough to drag Julian out of bed and into the communal area of his and Kai’s suite.

Kai isn’t there when he arrives, but his bedroom door is open and he’s not in his room.  Julian downs two glasses of water in the hope it will cure his headache, before changing into swimming shorts and sitting out on the white, marble balcony.

He knows that the eyes of the world are still on Russia, on all the teams that succeeded where he failed.  But somehow, he feels that there’s no place in the world he’d rather be than watching the waves slosh gently over the shore of the Majorcan cove, hearing the gentle breeze whistle through the palm trees and the sun ripple over his skin.  It’s relaxing, and the perfect way to recover from the humiliation of having his dreams crushed on the most public stage of all.

He’s lost in his thoughts for so long he doesn’t realise Kai has appeared and is sitting next to him, placing a fruit plate on the little table and chewing on a strawberry, until his best friend talks and snaps him from his trance,

“Hey.”

“Hey Kai.”

His best friend looks a little hungover, flushed and almost giddy, and Julian hates the stab of jealousy in his heart when he thinks of what might have happened.

“I got back in at like quarter past three, but you were already fast asleep.”

“I got in at three, but I fell straight asleep.  I lost you in the club and didn’t think to text you, I was so drunk.”

“Same.  I left the club really early and ended up playing football on the beach with this group of Spanish people.  I rang you but you didn’t answer.”

Julian vaguely remembers seeing Kai’s name appear on his phone screen the night before, remembers thinking of him with the girl and stuffing his phone back into his pocket.  He cringes at his childishness and avoids Kai’s gaze.

“What happened after?”

“I don’t know.  One of the girls tried to get me to go back to her room, I think she wanted to have sex with me,” Kai laughs, but there’s something in it that Julian can’t quite place, “but I said no because of yo--- because I didn’t really like her.  Anyway, would you like some breakfast?”  He offers the plate and Julian takes a few strawberries, sighing at how good they are and flipping Kai off when his best friend laughs at him.  “I thought we could go cliff jumping today?”

Julian’s seen some people throwing themselves off the cove and into the sea and although he’s not the greatest fan of heights, he sees the excitement in Kai’s eyes and agrees.

 _‘Fuck Kai’s stupid face,’_ Julian thinks later, once they’ve finished their trek to the perfect jumping spot, as Kai calls it, which involved a lot of climbing and shoving through bushes to reach a little jut on the cove.

“Wow.” Kai says when they step through the trees and he’s right, the view is spectacular, the ocean crystal clear below them.  Far, far below them.

“Yeah.” Julian breathes and something in his voice must belie his nerves because Kai stops marvelling at the view and turns to look at him, concern laced in his face. 

“You don’t want to do this.”

“I do,” Julian says, because he does, but he’s also not lying that he’s scared shitless.  Kai’s unconvinced, judging by the way he takes Julian’s hand and squeezes it.

“We don’t have to.”

“No, I want to.  I promise.” Julian looks Kai dead in the eye and that’s it, Kai lets go of his hand and takes a step closer to the cliff edge.

“Do you want me to go first?  To prove you’ll be fine?”

“Can we do it together?” Julian asks and he probably sounds so _stupid,_ but Kai smiles at him like they’ve just won the Bundesliga and takes his hand again.

“Let’s do it.  Tell me when you’re ready.”

Julian steps until he’s right on the edge, looking down at the drop that is at least twenty metres and the sapphire sea beneath him.  His legs feel like jelly and his breathing turns shallow, but then Kai squeezes his hand and he knows he can do it.

“Let’s go.”

“On three?”

Julian nods.

“Three, two, one!”

With one step, the two of them throw themselves off the cliff.  There’s the strange sensation of falling, and he can hear Kai screaming slightly as they plummet downward, and there's only just enough time for Julian to think that he’s definitely going to tease him about that when they hit the water.

The impact and the cold hits Julian immediately, but then his head breaks the surface and there is Kai, flicking his hair out of his eyes and beaming at him.  Underneath the water, he’s still holding Julian’s hand.

“That was amazing.” Julian says, before putting on the most teasing smirk he can, “but don’t think I didn’t hear you screaming.”

Kai blushes.  He fucking blushes and Julian’s heart does that little flippy thing he’s come to get used to around Kai, until the moment’s ruined by his best friend splashing him and swimming away.

Julian misses the feeling of his hand the moment Kai lets go.

They spend all day jumping off ever higher cliffs, laughing until they’re exhausted and Julian orders tapas to their room and they drink sangria until the sun sets and they have to sleep before their early flight the next morning.

Julian wakes the next morning with an erection and the remains of his dream, of a wet, shirtless Kai, lingering on his mind. 

When Kai falls asleep on his shoulder on the flight home, Julian has another one of those stupid moments where he realises just how gone he is for his best friend, and how he wouldn’t change it for anything.

**☆**

Julian doesn’t want to mention it, for fear Kai will shrink away from him, but something changes between them once they return from Mallorca.  If they were joined at the hip beforehand, then they’re a fucking married couple in their honeymoon phase now, especially since Bernd has left for London.  Their teammates tease them for being sickeningly in love and Julian’s stomach fizzes every time Kai doesn’t deny their accusations and lazily slings an arm around Julian.  His favourite part, though, is the casually flirtatious comments Kai comes out with, so smooth Julian literally chokes on his water when Kai tells him, “you look really attractive, Jule.”

Their Bundesliga season gets off to a terrible start, and they lose their first two matches.  Despite this, Julian gets called up to the national team and immediately pulls out his suitcase, when suddenly his phone explodes with several texts.

 **Kai:** oh

 **Kai:** my

 **Kai:** GOD

 **Kai:** JULE OMF

**Kai: I GOT CALLED UP**

**Kai:** I’M GOING WITH YOU TO THE NATIONAL TEAM

When Julian sees the texts, he grabs his keys and heads to Kai’s flat straight away.  His best friend flops down dramatically on his sofa after letting him in, and Julian allows him to scream all his excitement out until he’s sane enough to have a coherent conversation.

“I told you it wouldn’t be long.” Julian smiles.

“I’m so excited but also terrified.” Kai babbles and he’s so adorable, all wide eyes and heavy breathing and Julian remembers what it was like when he first got the call up.

“Don’t be.  The team is amazing.  They’ll love you.”

“I’m going to be in a team with Müller and Reus and Neuer… I can’t believe this is happening.”

“They’re all idiots, trust me.  Reus will probably be ranting about missing Götze in between fighting Hummels, while Müller and Neuer will just be in their own little relationship bubble.  Unfortunately, Jonas hasn’t been called up otherwise you’d see _that_ side of the national team, the side that would literally die for him.”

“I mean, I would too.”

“Same, but I think Toni Kroos will do if before any of us can.”

“Kroos?  Jule, you mean something’s going on between Hector and Kroos and you didn’t tell me about it?”

“I don’t actually know much, other than Toni gets annoyed whenever anyone outdoes him at praising Jonas, and he looks at him like he hung the stars.”

Kai laughs and demands to know about all the drama in the national team.  It ends up with Julian reciting the whole poem Mario wrote about Marco after the world cup win (that became a meme within the team), Mesut and Sami’s famous denial, and Lukas and Basti getting caught slow dancing in Philipp Lahm’s room, drunk.

**☆**

Kai talks Julian’s ear off the whole way to Wolfsburg, which is a strange combination of adorable and unbelievably annoying, but he lets him as he knows Kai’s nervous.  He doesn’t know how his best friend will react when he meets the team, but he isn’t expecting the way Kai falls almost completely silent in the presence of some of the biggest stars of German football, disregarding the amount of times he’s played against them in the Bundesliga and DFB Pokal.

Julian leads him to greet all the players, who congratulate Kai on his call up, while Julian tries not to melt looking at the way Kai gazes at his heroes.  He looks so pretty in the white of the officially-sanctioned DFB clothes, but then again Julian thinks he looks pretty in anything.

It’s not until they reach Thomas does things turn to shit.  The forward greets Julian and then Kai, throwing Julian a quizzical look before moving on to greet Nico.

Kai smiles dizzily when they’ve greeted everyone, standing to the side and watching the team interact among themselves.  Julian giggles at the awkward attempt at a shoulder bump Jerome and Marco attempt, before he turns to check on Kai.

His best friend is biting his lips, but the joy on his face is obvious to anyone.

 He tears his gaze away from the shy smile on Kai's lips as he stares at the floor because if Kai catches him staring, then fuck that would be the end of him - until his eyes fall on Thomas and the look on his face and Julian sends a silent, futile prayer to whoever may be listening and accepts that this will be the end of him anyway.

“I wish Bernd got called up.” He says to Kai to distract himself from the feeling of impending doom one smirk from Thomas Müller has instilled in him.  “I miss him.”

“So do I,” Kai replies, voice quieter than usual and it hits Julian that he must be overwhelmed.  He’s twitching and playing with his fingers and Julian wants nothing more than to take his hands and reassure him that everything would be alright, but he doesn’t want to immediately subject Kai to the chaos that is the German national team’s relationship speculation.

They’re designated to share a room so Julian spends the hour of downtime before dinner briefing Kai of all the possible shenanigans that may occur after the meal, but Kai makes him regret his omission of the secret initiation when Manu herds them all into the common room, shoves a microphone into Kai’s hands and tells him to sing, and Kai sends Julian a glare so dark that if looks could kill, Julian would be six feet under.

“What are you going to sing for us, Havertz?” Toni yells and Julian feels awful when Kai’s cheeks redden, and he stutters out that he’d prefer to accompany himself on piano.

The roar that Manu retrieving a dusty keyboard from the cupboard elicits is enough for Julian’s heart to start racing, because Kai is _looking at him_ with that unreadable expression as he tunes the keyboard and starts to play.

 _‘Holy shit,’_ Julian thinks when he recognises the opening chords of _See You Again._

Although this performance is for the team (who, judging by the wailing along to the lyrics coming from the usual tone-deaf cohort), watching Kai sing and play the piano at the same time reminds him of the time Kai performed the same song, for him, alone.  And maybe Kai planned this, maybe he knew about the initiation and decided pre-emptively to sing that song, or maybe he saw Julian and the decision was made for him.

Julian hopes for the latter so hard his chest hurts.

Kai’s performance brings the house down, Marco even going so far to comment it being one of the best initiations in the national team history (until Thomas protests, an idea that is strongly vetoed by Manu and pestered about until it is finally revealed Thomas’ initiation was a fucking striptease – prompting comments about kinks that leaves even Manu flushing scarlet - and Julian thanks the Lord he was too young for that).  Jogi comes in then and does his compulsory speech about the aims for the team over the period of the break, but Julian can’t take his eyes off Kai, who is watching every member of the team with starstruck intent.

When they’re sent to bed with instruction to be in the dining room for breakfast at seven the next morning, Kai almost forgets to wait for Julian in his haste.  They’re one of the first pairs upstairs and Kai’s face is scarily pale, striking a fear in Julian that only dissipates when Kai turns to him within the confines of their bedroom and whispers,

“Did they really like it?  My performance, I mean?”

“They did,” Julian smiles, “Marco’s right.  It was one of, if not the best performance I’ve seen since I’ve been on this team.  Don’t worry, most people had to sit through Kehrer and Tah.  They were awful.”

“What did you sing?”

“Never mind about that,” Julian blushes, although he remembers it clearly, since that was also the night Marco decided to start the search for Julian’s lover.

“No, come on,” Kai smirks, “what did you sing?”

“I’m not saying.” Julian walks into the bathroom to emphasise his point, ignoring the expletives Kai yells after him. 

“If you don’t tell me, I’ll just ask Bernd!  He’ll have a video, I’m sure!”

That’s enough to force Julian back into the bedroom, insult already on his lips as he swipes for the phone Kai is shaking teasingly.  “Okay _fine,_ it was _Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!_ by ABBA.  I don’t know how the team ever thought I was straight when I sung a song about wanting a man for my first impression.”

 Kai looks delighted, and also devilish, and Julian cringes when his best friend unlocks his phone and instantly begins typing at a mile a minute.

“I’m getting a video from Bernd.  I don’t care, I just need to see this.  I can’t believe you didn’t fucking tell me!”

Kai looks delighted, and also devilish, and Julian cringes when his best friend unlocks his phone and instantly begins typing at a mile a minute.

“I’m getting a video from Bernd.  I don’t care, I just need to see this.  I can’t believe you didn’t fucking tell me!”

Kai stalks into the bathroom texting Bernd avidly.  When Julian hears the water running in the shower, he finally opens his messages and texts Thomas.

 **Julian:** don’t think i didn’t see the looks you were giving me

Once he presses ‘send,’ he hopes to hell he hasn’t interrupted something between Thomas and Manu, because the former had no shame and wouldn’t think twice at publicly eviscerating him for being a boner-killer.  But the legendary forward replies too quickly,

 **Thomas:** don’t think i didn’t see the looks you were giving havertz

 **Thomas:** i won’t lie i did have a suspicion you were gay

 **Thomas:** but also fuck you for falling in love with a guy.  i can’t get the rest of the team on you

 **Julian:** that’s a bad thing?

 **Thomas:** cunt, of course it’s a bad thing

 **Thomas:** your love life was supposed to be ENTERTAINING

 **Julian:** and my crush on my teammate and best friend isn’t entertaining for you?

 **Julian:** to laugh at the endless misery?

 **Julian:** he’s in the SHOWER thomas

 **Thomas:** what do you expect me to do with this information

 **Thomas:** other than fear for what _you_ might be doing with this information

 **Julian:** i regret texting you

 **Thomas:** seriously though, he’s cute

 **Thomas:** from what i’ve seen the two of you are practically married already

 **Thomas:** bernds been complaining about you two for years

 **Thomas:** when he wasn’t complaining about marc-andre that is

 **Julian:** what would the reaction be if i came out

 **Thomas:** jule sweetie

 **Thomas:** 99% of this fucking team is gay

 **Thomas:** you’re not going to receive anything bad

 **Thomas:** other than the evisceration because the moment the team knows you’re gay they’re gonna think you’re in love with kai

 **Thomas:** which you are!

 **Thomas:** but honestly it’s up to you

“Who are you texting?” Kai says and Julian’s head snaps up to where Kai is standing with nothing but a towel around his waist.  Julian feels his skin prick against his t-shirt.

 **Julian:** thanks thomas

 **Thomas:** i’m gonna get the two of you together

 **Thomas:** just watch

Thomas’ words are ominous, and Julian is half-convinced whatever plan Thomas concocts to fail miserably and only make Kai hate him for the rest of his life, but then his best friend flops down (still half-naked, _fuck)_ on his bed next to him and grins at him and Julian thinks there’s no way their friendship could ever end.

He just needs to get over this stupid crush for his own sanity, if anything.

“How was your first day with the national team?” Julian asks, trying to hide the edge in his voice because Kai is just casually covering half his body and the want Julian has to touch, to run his tongue across the vast expanse of Kai’s skin and taste him, is startling, terrifying, and slightly terrifying judging by the way his blood turns to flame and begins to flow south.  He shifts away from Kai and laughs way too loud when Kai falls off the bed and lands with a thud.

“Fucker.” Kai scowls at him and readjusts the towel at his hips.  “And to answer your question, we haven’t actually done anything yet, but they all seem to like me.”

“They do.  And stop the hero-worship, you haven’t witnessed the infuriating disaster that an excitable Thomas Müller at an early-morning practice is.”

Julian tries not to think about how that very man knows his deepest secret, and the man he calls his best friend doesn’t.

**☆**

Thomas is looking at him again.

They’ve just beaten Peru 2-1 in a friendly, Julian scoring Germany’s first goal, and Kai came on for a five-minute debut appearance.  The sight of his best friend, HAVERTZ on his back, bedecked in the white of the national shirt filled Julian with more happiness than his own goal – even when Thomas leaned over and whispered an incriminating comment about Kai and his shirt that made Julian blush ferociously.

The break ends tomorrow, but they’ll be heading back to the training centre where some inevitable alcohol will be broken out and some of the members of the team will end up far too drunk and be forced to relive their actions through roasting for the next year.  But Thomas is still staring at him.

Julian had been antsy for three days straight before it became clear that Thomas wasn’t going to make any comments publicly, only texting him every evening to tease him about Kai hugging him for too long or the ‘heart eyes’ Julian apparently makes at him.  Judging by the look of completely obliviousness on Manu’s face, Julian thinks Thomas hasn’t even told his boyfriend about his discovery. 

He’s one of the first out of the changing room, if only to avoid the knowing glint in Thomas’ eyes.  He doesn’t even wait for Kai, and the younger’s a bit annoyed when he arrives and slumps down in the seat next to Julian on the way home, and it actually takes Julian to tell him he was the best player on the field in the five minutes he played before Kai even bothers to smile at him.  He knows his best friend is only messing around, but Julian hates even the idea of angering Kai.

Someone breaks out into a terrible rendition of _Never Gonna Give You Up_ that has the entire team singing along at the top of their voices.  Julian can see Jogi over the top of the seats and is sure their manager develops a new head of grey hair over the short bus ride alone.  When he whispers it to Kai, his best friend laughs loud enough for Mats and Jerome to turn to him, causing Kai to blush scarlet and Julian’s brain to go into its usual Kai-related meltdown.

“Meet in the common room in twenty minutes!” Timo yells as the team queue to leave the bus.

“What for?” Kai asks him.

The look on Kai’s face when he enters the common room later and sees over half the senior members of the national team passing around an extremely strong bottle of vodka belies his lack of expectation.  He instinctively goes to reach for it when Thomas slaps his hand away, shoving a lemonade in his direction and muttering something about Kai “needing to be sober because something important is going to happen.”

(They don’t know it yet, but Kai will send a silent thank you to Thomas for his forethought much, much later.)

Julian sits down next to him and Kai murmurs, “I didn’t congratulate you properly for your goal.  Congrats, Jule.”  Kai looks over at him with a softness that skewers Julian straight through his heart, and if it wasn’t for Thomas’ expression in his peripheral vision, Julian would’ve been content to stare at Kai and fondle his hair between his fingers for the rest of his life.

Kai blinks and _oh,_ he’s pretty.

The thought throws him so much Julian stands up blindly, coughing to collect the attention of the room, all of whom in various states of sobriety.  It isn’t until Marco eyes him curiously that he remembers he hasn’t actually planned what he is going to say, so the words tumble out uncontrollably.

“I’m gay.”

Julian is very concerned by the identical smirks of mischief he receives from every member of the team.  Aside from Kai, who is beaming at him.

“Well,” Thomas says, breaking the weird trance-esque silence, “anyone else going to officially come out or are we back to assuming everyone on this team is gay?”

“I like both.” Kai says, and _shit_ if that doesn’t make the smirks even more calculating.  Thomas nods approvingly, and Julian sits back down and that’s it.  The moment’s over, except the back of Julian’s neck burns with the strange feeling of surveillance.

“Thomas wouldn’t let me drink.” Kai says to him, “he says something important will happen that I need to be sober for.  What normally happens on the last night of break?  They’re not going to ask me to sing again, are they?”

 _‘Thomas asked him to stay sober.’_ Julian’s brain latches onto the thought relentlessly, like it’s tormenting him.  “I don’t know.  There’s not normally anything noteworthy, unless you count that time Marco started playing piano and wrote a love song with Leon.”

“Marco and Leon?  I thought Marco was with Mario---,”

“Yes, they wrote the song about Mario and Max.”

“Anything else?”

“There are some legendary tales about Lahm, Klose, Schweinsteiger and Podolski, but as I wasn’t there for them, I can’t really recount them in all their glory.”

“The old national team’s drunk encounters?” Thomas says from behind Julian which makes him curse internally, because he didn't know Thomas was there and the midfielder has a demonic smirk on his face, “oh Havertz, let me tell you all about them.”

That’s how Julian ends up sitting on the armrest of a sofa, squashing down the painful pangs of jealousy when he watches Kai’s face light up as Thomas retells fables of the people Julian knows Kai idolises.  Thomas then collates stories from other members of the team, spiralling dirtier and less innocent until Leon is forced to admit that yes, he did have sex with Max on the plane to Rio de Janeiro for the Olympics.

(Julian remembers the weird moans coming from the tiny bathroom on the plane and shudders.)

Kai is then mollycoddled by some of the senior members of the team and shown photos and if Julian thinks Toni is laying it on a bit thick with the praise, he hates the way Kai glows more at his praise than he does when Julian talks about him.  His best friend is gone, chatting away and comfortable, so absorbed he, nor anyone else, notices when Julian gets up from the armrest and slips away.

He vaguely hears Thomas say, “Julian was saying to me he has something to tell you,” and he's never wished to be intoxicated more than at that precise moment.

**☆**

Kai comes clattering into their hotel room about forty-five minutes after Julian, eyes wide and probably bordering overtired.  He stumbles into the bathroom before Julian can even speak, and when he emerges Julian fully expects him to lie down on his bed and start telling Julian everything, but instead his best friend looks the polar opposite of how he looked when he entered.  His eyes are almost bloodshot, face pale, and his approach of Julian isn’t excitable, it’s nervous and Julian hates whatever’s given Kai the reason to be uncertain around him.

“What is it, Kai?” Julian asks after Kai has curled up next to him and hidden his face in his sweater mutely.

Kai mumbles something inaudible and Julian can’t resist lifting Kai’s chin to force him to look at him.  The younger’s eyes are still blown wide, but with the kind of unfiltered sadness that knives its way through Julian and it’s agonising how much he likes him.

“Talk to me, what’s going on?” His voice is so quiet he wonders if Kai can even hear it, but the other sighs and stiffens.

“Thomas said you were keeping something from me.”

Julian hopes Kai can’t hear his heart beating out his chest.

“It’s not important, Kai, honestly.”

“Why can’t I know?”

“Because it’s not significant.” It’s a lie and they both know it, “and I wouldn’t know how to say it even if it was.”

“How does he know?”

“He guessed.”

“What have I done to make you think you can’t trust me?” Kai is pulling away from him and his voice sounds so fucking _broken_ and fuck, this is not how Julian wanted this conversation to go, not with his best friend looking like he can’t decide if he’s the verge of tears, about to bolt, or a terrifying combination of both.

“Nothing, Kai.  It’s just me being an idiot.” Kai knows him well enough to be unable to miss the pure desperation in his voice as he pulls Kai back close to him because he needs Kai to _stay_ , he needs him to _understand_ that this isn’t something Julian can just say, even though really the sentiment has been stuck in his throat since the day they met when Kai was fourteen years old.

“It’s important to you.”

Julian nods because he can’t trust his voice.  He can feel Kai’s breathe on his face and knows that if he was just _a little bit braver,_ he could lean in and press his lips to Kai’s.  But he doesn’t.  He lies there, watching, waiting, realising for the first time since they became friends, he’s never been able to crack the enigma that is Kai Havertz.

Kai Havertz who has lifted a finger to his lips and is outlining them with a featherlight touch.

“Jule,” His voice is so melodic it hurts, “just speak.”

Julian could move.  He could go into the bathroom and brush his teeth or have a shower and when he re-enters the room, he could pretend that what’s happening between them right now never happened and they’d go back to being best friends and he’d remember the feeling of Kai’s fingers on his lips as stimulation for the rest of his life.  But he doesn’t move.  He lies there, holding the dangerous eye contact with Kai and writes his secret on his face, begging Kai to become literate in Julian and read him.

“I know.” Kai’s voice is so quiet, but his words grow, expanding until they fill the room and surround Julian, suffocating him until he can barely breathe.  “I know,” Kai says again, “I just want to hear you say it so I can kiss you.”

Julian’s sure he’s gone mad, but then he sees the slight pinkish tint on Kai’s cheeks and, holding them in his gaze, finally says the words that first occurred to him _four fucking years ago_ , “I think I’m in love with you.  I think I’ve been in love with you since the day we---.”

Kai cuts him off with his lips.

Kissing Kai is different to all of Julian’s previous kisses.  With girls, they were all shorter than him, softer and always willing to let him take control but with Kai, who’s all muscle and taller than him and kisses back with the same dominant intensity, it’s different and overwhelming and Julian has never been so turned on by a single kiss in his life.

He barely has chance to breathe when they pull apart before Kai is on him again, pushing him down into the pillows while his best friend slings one his stupidly long legs across Julian, straddling him as he licks over Julian’s tongue and Julian can almost feel him smirk, the fucker.

His thoughts tangle and then disjoin completely when Kai rolls his hips slightly and Julian can feel him hard against his hip and rubs against Kai’s leg so Kai can feel him too, before the younger one has chance to doubt himself and excessively check if Julian’s okay.  He’s always been like that, ridiculously overprotective disregarding the fact Julian is three years older.

Kai breaks the kiss to mumble, “same,” before reattaching his lips to Julian’s neck.  He trails kisses up and down the sensitive skin and Julian feels him smirk again when Kai’s teeth graze across his pulse point and he gasps.  His thoughts reconnect for the slightest second while Kai catches his breath and he says, “what do you mean same?” unable to find it in him to be embarrassed at the obvious arousal dripping from his voice.

“The day we first met I couldn’t get over how cute you were.  I wanted to be in the first team just so I could train with you every day.” Kai explains, in between biting across Julian’s collarbone, before breaking off to strip Julian of his sweater.  It’s intimate and Kai pauses, a silent affirmation, before carrying on.  “Then we became best friends and I got with Sophie, but I couldn’t stop myself thinking of you.  I think this has been a long time coming.”

Julian nods, finally daring to stroke a hand under Kai’s shirt and giggling at the way Kai tenses above him.  He lifts the shirt over Kai’s head and takes in the body he’s seen a million times before, marvelling at how different it looks now Julian’s finally allowed to look at it properly.

Kai catches him staring and smirks.

“Fucker,” Julian breathes, rubbing a thumb over Kai’s nipple as revenge.  “You know how stupidly hot that smirk makes you look.”

“No.” Kai says in as innocent a tone he can manage, which, given his hand is trailing closer to the tell-tale trail of hair below Julian’s navel that leads downwards, is not very innocent at all.  “But,” he smirks again, “I think I can tell.”

His hand brushes gently over Julian’s crotch and Julian _actually whines._

“Yeah, it’s definitely hot.  I need to make sure I smirk at you more, then.”

“Don’t you dare.” Julian fights to keep his voice steady, “it’s been hard enough to not give you a blowjob in the showers after a win already.”

Kai’s fingers play with the button on Julian’s jeans as he raises an innocuous eyebrow and yeah, Kai Havertz is _definitely_ going to be the end of him.  The younger fiddles slightly, as if asking for silent consent, and Julian just _has_ to kiss him or he might die, so he does and tries not to embarrass himself when Kai unzips his jeans and starts sliding them down his legs, tracing the inside of Julian’s thighs with the tips of his fingers as he does so.

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” Julian hears himself say when Kai’s finished torturing him.

“What are you going to do about it?” Kai challenges, throwing Julian another one of those goddamn smirks and Julian just knows he’s going to live regretting he told Kai exactly what that expression does to him.

Julian senses his chance to take a little bit of the power back from Kai, so he takes extra long unbuttoning Kai’s jeans, even going to far to swipe his hand dangerously downwards and relishing in the choked off moan it elicits, before taking off Kai’s jeans and boxers in one movement and sliding off the bed.

“What—oh _fuck_ ,” Kai curses before shifting to the edge of the bed.

“Is this okay?”

“ _God_ yes, please,” Kai moans and that’s all it takes for Julian to start nibbling his way up the soft skin of Kai’s inner thighs, nipping and leaving the tiniest of marks, licking over it in apology when Kai gasps.  When Kai moans again, voice strained in a tone dangerously close to begging (and _fuck_ if that doesn’t make Julian’s cock strain against his boxers), Julian takes mercy on him and takes the head of Kai’s cock in his mouth.

Kai is deliciously responsive and the feeble amount of blood in Julian that isn’t in his cock fizzles in his veins.  He licks along the shaft, listening to the guttural moan Kai releases, before taking the head back in his mouth and starting to suck, tasting Kai’s pre-come as he takes more of his dick in his mouth.

“Where the fuck did you, _oh shit,_ learn to suck dick like this?” Kai gets out and Julian had no idea he was this loud in bed and he isn’t surprised to find he loves it and every one of Kai’s moans goes straight to his cock.

“Kai,” Julian says around his dick, glancing up to be met with his best friend’s hazy gaze. 

“Fucking hell, Jule, you have no idea what you, _shit_ , do to me.” Julian raises a hand to softly touch Kai’s balls and feels Kai’s whole body tense as his best friend stammers his name in warning before coming violently down Julian’s throat.

Julian swallows and tries not to think about the weird taste as he climbs up to see Kai, slumped on the bed, still in the throes of the endorphin rush of his orgasm.  He lies quietly beside him while the younger catches his breath, stroking the sweaty, too-long fringe out of Kai’s eyes and getting his fingers tangled in the curls.  It’s sickeningly cutesy and Julian wouldn’t want it any other way.

“Fuck,” Kai breathes, opening his eyes slowly, “ _fuck,_ Jule.”

“I’m going to need something a little more eloquent than that, are you capable after I just blew your mind?”

Kai’s eyes darken and he leans over to kiss Julian blindly, only allowing him to break apart when Julian thinks his lungs are straining for air. 

“I have so many fucking thoughts on you.” Kai says and Julian doesn’t know if he’s missed something or if Kai is as fucked mentally as he is right now, but he doesn’t get chance to ask because Kai’s hand is trailing lower, finger running against the trace of pale hair and Julian bites his lip to keep from gasping.

“You might get off on my smirk, but have you seen _your fucking lip bites_?” Kai’s voice is impossibly deep and raspy, and his hand is sneaking under the waistband of Julian’s boxers and it’s so much, so much all at once and _how the fuck is this Julian’s life?_

His entire existence turns haywire when Kai curls his fingers around his cock, before shoving the underwear off and tracing a teasing finger over the curve of Julian’s ass.  It’s incredible and painfully slow and Julian wants _more._

“Come on Jule.  Beg for it.” Kai murmurs and Julian does not know where Kai got the idea that Julian was going to beg for him because he sure as fuck is _not_ , or at least that’s what he thinks until Kai teases his fingertips along the length of Julian’s cock and he lets out a _“please,”_ before he can stop himself.

Kai smiles to himself and begins to lazily stroke Julian while planting kisses all down his collarbone.  His best friend just has a way of moving that stimulates every nerve ending in his body and it’s sweet torture and the best feeling Julian has ever had in his life.

He feels like Kai’s playing a slow and excruciatingly sensuous love song all over his body when Kai picks up the speed of his strokes, twisting his hand slightly as he does so and Julian has no idea how Kai is so intoned as to what he likes, how with just a tiny flick he heightens all of Julian’s sensations until he’s convinced Kai is setting his body on fire.

He barely has time to croak out any sort of sound when his stomach tightens suddenly, until he comes all over Kai’s hand and his best friend kisses him senseless, stroking him through his high until he feels like he’s stable enough to breathe again.

“Don’t go.” Julian breathes, because he doesn’t even want Kai to consider it for a second.

“I wasn’t planning on it.  Although I do think I need to clean up my hand and we should move over to the other bed because this one is a little… dirty.” Kai blushes and how the fuck is he the same person who just gave Julian the best orgasm of his life?

He follows Kai into the bathroom and brushes his teeth again, because as arousing as sucking Kai off was, he doesn’t want to have his mouth taste of come all night.  Kai is watching him as he washes his hands, expression unreadable and Julian hates it.

“Hey,” he says, “what’s going on?”

“I meant it.” Kai says quietly.  “What I said about having had a thing for you since I was fourteen.  I just… you feel the same way, right?”

“Of course I do.” Julian presses the gentlest of kisses against his lips and only relaxes when he sees something that looks scarily like affection flood into Kai’s beautifully bright eyes.

“Sorry, I just thought it was better to check.” Kai stammers, and Julian manages to achieve the I-just-wanted-to-shut-you-up-kiss without fucking it up (which is definitely in the top two moments of his life).

“You’re a dumbass.”

“Cute, though.” Kai smiles, exiting the bathroom and folding back the covers of the unused bed, before taking Julian’s hand.  They’re still naked, and slightly sweaty, but when Kai throws a casual hand over Julian’s stomach and pulls him closer, Julian couldn’t give less of a shit.

“Yeah, you are.  Cute that is.”

(Julian falls asleep first.  Kai can’t stop himself from pressing the tiniest of kisses on Julian’s forehead because he just _really fucking loves Julian Brandt._ He’s done so since he was fourteen years old.)

(Julian wakes up first.  He can’t stop himself from pressing the tiniest of kisses on Kai’s forehead because he just _really fucking loves Kai Havertz._ He’s done so since he was seventeen years old.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning another Götzeus fic and _Anti-Everything_ is a song I associate quite closely with them, but when it comes to inspiring fic, I thought its youthful vibe just fitted Bravertz more.
> 
> Thanks for reading - I hoped you enjoyed this short piece of shit♡


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